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Read my story, tell my your opinion of how its going?
Read tell me what you think, please.?It has been thought that everyday is different from another, what may have been seemingly the same setting. Has changed from the way the sun burned in the sky . Or the a little girl, wishes to be loved, but there was nobody around to help her through the quiet and lonesome night. In the cold , quiet night , she lie in a corner with her eyes, glowing anciently in the night.She looked around at the fire infused from outside her window , she listened to the guys sitting around in a circle . At the drunk bastards , at twelve she was starting to understand, that she needed to escape. Before long, their flirting would hurt her, like the girls, she saw them bring over from the strange land. With their hands tied behind their backs, clothing barely covering the girls bodies . Every time they bring over these girls, she hides in a corner, somewhere dark. She watches how obediently , they force their bodies on the ground, underneath. While someone cuts in them, without any feeling. She didn’t know what they were doing, what real caring, and compassion was, or meant. But in her heart she know, their had to be something more,than the way those girls got treated.Looking around at her surroundings, in the chill of the night, she took the only light she had got. Some old lantern hanging on the door, that night she made up her mind to found somewhere , found a new safe heaven .She snook into one of the mens room , went into the closet, to get one of their fur leather jackets. It was cold that night, she would more installation than her ragged dress, with bare feet, she need a good pair of decent boots. But she went around everywhere, all the chores, her master made her, she did in her bare feet, so that was her only option. With her slender leather hair holders brown hair her put up in her last deer skin, pony tail holder . Grabbing her slash, stole all the gold , where her masters hide it from intruders. They didn’t think she knew where it was. Although, she had been anywhere, since she had been sold, didn’t know altogether the importance of the gold. She had an idea, that it was important. When she saw, her masters exchanger it for yeast, and other tools , foods. Took enough meat to last her couple of days , planning to walk to the nearest town. It wouldn’t be long till her masters came back in she would feel and hear the wind growing stronger, her master would came back in from the bonfire outside.Standing tall, stronger, large over sized fur coat , she put on the hoodie around her head. Long brown bangs dangling in front of her brown eyes. She went out to find, and fight the night.Her bare feet felt the first cold steps , with the cold ground beneath her. The air choking her deep breathes,from the cold harsh air . Getting further and further, with every lounge of a step she took deep into the unknown forest. The more she contemplated whether she should turned back, the woods surrounding her in the black of the night. She didn’t whether she was heading deeper in the wilderness or closer to the outside. Though she just kept on going, holding the lantern way above her ahead to see ahead. The many shadows, from the trees bouncing from the wind ,making many haunting shapes on the ground. Up above the sky , the moon was covered within the storming clouds , you could see yellow highlights, just enough to give the night character, craziness with the wind blowing the lantern so carelessly.The young girl, rambling through the lost night, something was following her in the back ground. Watching the powerful struggling through dooms way , watching the fear being conquered., hissssss, hiss , silently. Eyes , yellow shimmering , a tranced yellow, deep focused pupils. Sleek manicured body , curving perfectly in the branches and under bush of the magical forest. Lami-minou spying for supper through the forest , on his usual hunts came upon this girl from the caverns hunt. He kept a watch on the men , quite often because they were mischievous and vicious bunch of fellows, that shouldn’t and none of the animals in the forest trusted. Though neither did they trust Lami-minou for good reason, his curiosity got to him. But here was this girl, late at night , rushing out, though she looked worried, frightened. He was curious because never seen the girl around, in all the hours of his spying.Through the cold wind whiskered flow, furry bushy, mustache flowing fluffy as baby chicks feathers, of grey and white. Rounded head, wise mans , old grandpa , flair about him. Thick paws , silently pressing the ground beneath, flowing the trails .Mind racing , eyes frozen , the air breathing, deathening , mind racing .Where should one go, in the middle of this lonesome night, What should one do? By the time, the clouds covered the moon, that guided her way. Standing still, everything seemed silent, her mind racing , though deary silence , silently without a answer. One thing was for sure she needed some rest , her feet ached in pain,instinctively she knew. Looking for some place , that seemed secure, looking back at the night sky , the clouds moving to shelter the moons light , once more. Found a stop between to might oak trees , gathered some branches together , took spark of light from her lantern helped to make a fire to keep it some heat . She took off her coat , put it on top of her , like a blanket to keep in some heat as well. Though it barely helped, her eyes slowly drifted off into deep sleep.
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{ 10 comments }
I really like this story, I think you’ve done a great done.Other than the few spelling and punctuation mistakes, it definitely grabbed my attention and held it. It makes you wonder where she is, what she’s fighting and overall, it makes you want to learn more about her life, pulling you farther into the book, which is what you want instead of someone thinking it’s boring and putting it down. Your descriptions are just right and you already have humor developing, meaning your character actually has a personality that others can relate to as well.Overall, I would certainly read more! And, nice name choice. ;D
I would do rockstar or Audrey Hepburn. It just depends on how much money you want to spend. I think you could find a cheap black dress at a thrift store, but it wouldn’t be exactly like hers. Sounds like you could do rockstar cheaper. So it’s really about what you are willing to spend. For a b-day party, I wouldn’t spend much. Either idea is going to be great. And if you’ve dressed up as Audrey before, maybe rockstar is the way to go.
whoaaathis gets stranger by the minuteI think you are having too much fun with this. don’t introduce so many characters!! All I can follow is that there are a ton of women having an orgy.
Wow, you’re very gifted at description. Good for you.In terms of story if you keep in mind the following you won’t go too far wrong. In a story, somebody always WANTS something, there’s an OBSTACLE to getting it, the character must take some ACTION to overcome the obstacle and the RESOLUTION is that the character either succeeds or fails. If any one of these elements is missing then you’ll most likely have problems with your story.Introduce the characters want as soon as possible so the reader knows what to worry about.You have a great future as a writer ahead of you.check out Immediate Fiction by Jerry Cleaver – very instructive.
you need to be an author…..your ah-mazing! omg. i dont even know what to say…..
too long to read
you should visit this source:
Your story is very good, but your sentence structure and general grammar needs some editing: pronominal possessives need to be indicated by punctuation; there are some superfluous commas that are not needed with conjunctions and some conjunctions that need punctuation, etc. Line editing comes with time. Right now, I think, you have the general idea of a beginning, middle, and end of the story; you have the idea of character (the reader’s heart rends for your protagonist); you have the idea of setting. Your descriptions are good, if not a bit florid, and your POV in the story was pretty solid. Your spelling and grammar just needs to develop more with your already developed gift of storytelling. I’d like to read more of your stories.
Alex
Well it is definitely interesting, and a bit scary. Just a few grammatical errors, other then that sounds good. You are a very creative writer.
Wow. That’s a fantastic list you have there. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing by getting prepared. I had almost this same list when I went to Basic (minus the feminine stuff). Only thing I didn’t see was a good LED flashlight (one that can switch between red and white light). You’ll need this during fire guard, which is also a good time to write letters. Just be careful with the important documents you probably don’t need most of these, but it’s better to have them and not need them than to deal with trying to get them. Just keep them together in an envelope so they don’t get lost when the DS dumps your bag out on the floor with everyone else’s. You can also get ready by asking your recruiter for a “Smart Book” so you can start memorizing the soldier’s creed, rank structure, etc. ahead of time and be in good enough shape to run several miles about 3 or more days a week. Good luck!
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