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IntuitiveImpressions February 9, 2011 at 7:07 pm

OMG: this is more like a short story than a dream. Is there any way you can repost this with just the pertinent (important) details.

dirty deeds February 10, 2011 at 7:16 am

O_oi love it!

Alexia February 10, 2011 at 6:59 pm

well, until the whole thing about hair and friends and school, yeah it did. (somewhat) i mean it was really good. I would read it, but i guess since theres not very much i cant tell very well, but i really like the first half. a lot (= ♥

hannah.♥ February 11, 2011 at 7:23 am

Wow, I love this, but since no one else does I can’t be bothered to write a long answer I must conform, after all

Lolli N February 11, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Omg… Totally .__. it even scares me that there are guys like you Out there O.oI am a very shy girl… I wouldn’t ever take the first step it would kill me T///T … so I like guys who can take the lead~ I like anime and manga and j-music a whole lot so I want someone who also like those things because I would like to share it with him, watch anime together and read manga together~ I like art a lot as well, I love acting it gaves me the best feeling ever because since I am shy I can’t express myself very well but when I am acting I dont have to be myself and I let everything out, not only that but I love to draw is my hobby… every guy I have liked have some kind of a talent so it you like art and you are good at what you do and enjoy it is definitely a plus. I am really serious and quiet as well, I can’t start conversations and I feel embarrassed and awkward easily ;___; … thats at first… but when I actually get to know people I am really random and funny and energetic and crazy .__. so I like guys that are funny, I love to laugh all the time~ O.o And fashion is not something I expect from my type of guy but it it is included is definitely a plus~ I don’t know whether you like anime and manga in a normal way or you are an Otakuish type of guy xD but I like a lot the Asian fashion~ from Visual kei to Salaryman ~ Ohh and It would be reaaally good if that guy won’t think is weird to make questions in Answers yahoo ._.Uu… O.o to it kind of depends… ~ you kinda seem like the guy I would like, but then again I am not quite sure of how exactly you are~ maybe I am imagine way too much things ._.Uu I live in a Shoujo-Fantasy little world …~*Knows that this answer is really random but still wanted to answer* XDDDD

Marissa February 12, 2011 at 7:26 am

It’s good, although the first paragraph doesn’t catch my attention very well.Also, this is reminding me a lot of Harry Potter.

SOS February 12, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Is the window thick? Or is the dust thick on the window? Don‘t make a reader guess, make it plain.

risa koizumi February 13, 2011 at 6:56 am

huh…seems quite unusual…i think the originality is pretty good, nice usage of show not tell

Anonymous February 13, 2011 at 7:26 pm

I like it! I felt like I was there too. I hung onto every word

MightBeMithral February 14, 2011 at 7:25 am

I think it’s quite good. Very descriptive, looks like there’s a lot of background culture involved to support the characters. The hypnosis part seems a bit glitchy — it might be better if you didn’t ‘explain’ she was using hypnosis, but rather showed it in dialogue – the glazed eyes are a good clue; maybe having the victim confusedly repeat what she says, or have to be directed by her a little more? Don’t underestimate the reader’s ability to follow, the tricks of the trade for vampires are pretty well known.Stylistically, I think it could use more conversation, less narration. Letting some crucial information unfold through a give and take conversation between characters is more interesting than always hearing the narrator’s voice who knows all, tells all. For example, she could briefly recall a few lines of the conversation with one of the male caste who wouldn’t tell her the name of the one because she was too young to know. What specifically did she say, what was she doing at the time? Who did she say it to? As the male caste member answered, what type of inflection was in his voice? distain? fear? anger? hope?Those are just suggestions, I think the story has great potential, and I think as a writer you have great potential too. Best of luck.

Muse February 14, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I like this- really descriptive and believable. i also really like the girl’s name, Adoette. i’ve never heard that before.I would like to read more of this! Why was he looking for her?!

Luke M February 15, 2011 at 7:11 am

While I feel you are on to something with this poem, the rhyme keeps it from impacting me the way I feel you intend it to. While I am not completely opposed to rhyme, rhyming while talking about graphic subject matter often seems out of place ( not always though. It works well when the poem is meant to be ironic or satiric.)

readandwrite95 February 15, 2011 at 7:07 pm

The detail is amazing, and the diverse vocabulary you use is as well. I think you use your adjectives widely and decisively, which is very nice. I can see you worked very hard on this piece! The only thing is, could you tell us how old the character is next time, or tell a little bit more about the family situation? I’d like that a lot. This was fabulous, it really drew me in! Keep up the good work! (:

dgbrsand1 February 16, 2011 at 7:26 am

Ok, I am an Amatuer poet myslf. I have learned from my college classes, if you start rhimming on the end of the sentences you should stick with it. Some of your lines should have periods a the ends not commas. Some of you statements are talking about feelings and then second line about bikes. As you read down the poem it get kind of mushy. By that I mean it just kind of mushes together. Great thoughts though. Thier are serveral college english books that can teach you how to write peotry. You can also type in the search engine: the words learn to write poetry , and you should get several research materials there. Then you can go to most libarays locally to have them order the books you want. No charge to you. Good luck and keep writing. Writing doesn’t just come , it is an art and with all things worth doing, it takes practice.

*** February 16, 2011 at 7:29 pm

It’s really good. Itt reminds me I must never, ever, lower myself to read these books.